A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself—to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”

– Leo F. Buscaglia

First and foremost, I am not saying that you will not benefit from being in a relationship and that you won’t have an amazing experience. You might find a perfect partner, or you might find yourself in a dysfunctional relationship. No matter what, you will learn from it.

Nevertheless, being in a dysfunctional relationship and not realizing it, or not wanting to realize it, will stunt your personal growth drastically. In addition to keeping you locked down until you decide to do something about it. It’s hard to leave a relationship when you have a close bond and when you are used to being with the same person, it gets tied to your identity. A dysfunctional relationship turns into an emotional cage that is hard to break free of, even though you know it’s not healthy.

To make a relationship work in the best way, each party needs to find self-love and contentment within themselves. This will require you to be alone with yourself, doing inner work, and finding out what you truly desire. You cannot love someone unconditionally until you love yourself, and you can’t love yourself until you know who you are on a deeper level. What traumas do you have that keep you from loving yourself? What prior experiences keep you from believing a sustainable relationship is possible? Why do you feeI you are undeserving of a relationship?

Furthermore, questions about your agenda will come forth, questioning what you desire from a relationship. Companionship? Intimacy? Sex? Acknowledgment? Control? Power? To find the answers to questions like these, one has to be completely honest with oneself, and that’s where self-development comes in to play. Experiences within self-development creates openness, fluidity, and understanding, making it easier to get along with others, and being truthful with oneself.

Most people are in relationships for selfish reasons, wanting to gain something, as I stated earlier. May this be for short-term- or long-term relationships; and if you are a person who sleeps around, having numerous partners within a given time, this is the same type of self-manipulation. When both parties come together with expectations that have to be met, drama will arise, and a power struggle will erupt. Projections will be thrown right and left, manipulations to gain the upper hand, backbiting, and so on. 

I’m not meaning to say that every relationship will end up in this manner, but it is a generalization of how it most likely will turn out. Because people have insecurities, are fearful, and have certain desires that they feel must be fulfilled. Which will be much less likely (being able to deal with such problems more effectively) if people work on themselves before they jump into a relationship. What you think you want and what you need, tends to be very different. 

Imagine creating a relationship on the grounds of being completely content, happy, and loving, with no agenda attached.  Both parties are happy and fulfilled already, creating even more happiness and fulfillment together, amplifying the high vibration. Of course, there are still insecurities and issues that can arise, but self-development provides the tools to deal with these effectively without the need to blame one another. This lays the foundation of a great relationship where partners learn and grow together, creating more unconditional love and understanding as they go.

So why not work on yourself before you find a life partner? When you have all your ducks in a row, there is no neediness involved. Creating the opportunity to have what you truly want in a relationship. Recognizing what would not be beneficial, letting go of “when” and “how” it will happen, ultimately bringing patience and openness. If nothing turns up, you are completely content with being by yourself, until you find what you seek.

Why settle for anything less than what you deserve? Why put yourself through more suffering than necessary? Yes, you will learn from it, but why not understand these lessons by yourself first, creating less suffering when you find yourself in a relationship? For you, and the other individual. 

Other people may have expectations of you and push you to find a partner, but this is not the right incentive to start a relationship. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready, don’t push it. 

As always, take from this what you wish. This is nothing but my experience and my lessons on the matter. I’ve not had any long-term relationships because I’ve not found what I seek, and I don’t want to jump into something that will keep me stagnant. I remain open, and if it happens, it happens. 

Fear kept me from entering a relationship in the first place, and self-development made me stay out for my own sake. All in all, this is what I have learned from my experiences, and by observing others. Understanding how trauma and insecurities affect relations between people, and therefore acquiring the knowledge of what not to do. You don’t have to agree with me, just consider what I’m saying. Thank you for reading.